I’ve been having those nights lately where I wake up feeling like I missed or forgot something.
-Did I lock the door before I went to bed?
-Did I turn off the oven?
-Did I get the coffee ready for the morning?
-And, what was the true meaning of the “Lost” finale?
It’s like my mind is trying to make sense of its own abstract painting.
Can you relate?
About a year ago, I had all but left the corporate world, I was setting up an online business and preparing to play music and do the online entrepreneur thing. What up, world!?!? Then, BOOM, I became a homeschool dad and basement musician playing shows to a screen that occasionally commented via chat on my performance.
It was fun. In spite of being a total germ freak locked in my house, I felt connected.
THE BASEMENT “STUDIO” HAS NO WINDOWS
I’ve spent days down there working, writing, playing music, streaming performances…there is no natural light. There are few interruptions aside from faint cartoon audio and an occasional visit from the mini-mes. Sometimes, 10 hours later, I emerge from the depths to find the sun has gone down, the kids are cranky, my wife is tired from working all day, breakfast dishes are in the sink and dinner needs to be prepared. Did I miss the sun again?
“I forgot!” I meant to do the dishes. I meant to spend more time with the kids. And, what the hell did I just do for the last 10 hours? Was I productive?
HONESTLY, I DON’T KNOW.
It’s like I hit the new year and did a total reset. I forgot how to write songs. I forgot how to perform. I haven’t performed in so long, I forgot half of the songs I play. I forgot…who I am! (Gasp!)
The promise of a new year led me down a path of being a new, better, smarter person. I’ve diligently studied online business, music marketing, video lighting, production, and, aaaaaaand…I’ve forgotten what to do – what I do – how to put this stuff into practice.
This sounds melodramatic, and maybe it is. I’m certainly not in a depressing situation, and I’m not in search of pity. I’m in search of the things I forgot.
I’ve been so concerned with improving and organizing myself in a way to make waves in 2021 that I forgot to do the things that got me to 2021: friends, writing, playing, putting in the work, being…me.
SO: NEW PLAN!
I’m going to remember.
I’m going to remember how to write. I’m going to remember how to be a social human being. I’m going to remember how to play a show – either online or in person (soon!!!). I’m going to remember who I am and who my people are. And while I’m certainly not the person I was before, remembering who I was will give me a reference point to be the person I am today. Yeah, something like that.
Now that all that existential what-have-you is off my chest, I think I’ll go write a song…if I pick up a pen, I bet I’ll remember how.